Journal Entry: February 21, 2009 We made it to December...

Ever have one of those days where all you want to do is be alone? That's how I felt for the majority of today. It's Saturday and I was really hoping that more house work would have been done. But the whole family has been pretty lazy today.. well, with the exception of the boys. It was the first time in a long while that I let them go outside to play. So, they ran and jumpd and biked their little hearts out.

I was finnishing up with all of the prep work for the baby shower tomorrow. Making dips, cutting bread.. trying a new jello recipe. You know, big stuff. But deep down, there was a part of me that just couldn't WAIT to get to tonight to write out my heart and cry a bit, without all of the distractions of the family. And even now... I've irritated "A" with the ferocity of with which I am typing. She hates when I'm on the computer. I'm annoying her. What-ev. I wish she'd just go to bed so I could be alone.

I decided early on this morning to make today a really kick back day. I've been having contractions a lot and thought it would be a good idea for me to take it really easy and nap and eat when I wanted. So I did.

I woke up around 5pm or so and thought to myself... "We made it to December...we made it to December!!" I parked the car, briskly walked into the doctor's office, checked in, noticed a friend of mine was in the lobby and then my neighbor passed by. He mentioned how pregnancy looks good on me, asked me to let he and his wife know when things start to happen. About 20 minutes later, my world stopped spinning. That was the day Charlotte died. She was exactly 36 weeks along. Tomorrow I will yet again be 36 weeks along.

It's funny, some of the things that get me going. I've know that tomorrow is a mirror of 2 years ago. Even tonight.. I sat folding the laundry for Little Man and began putting it away. Just like I did the night before that damn doctor's appointment. But this time there was a sea of blue instead of pink around me. Last time I had just sorted out all of the pretty little clothes and divided them according to size. I had gone to the mall with Kim and when I got home I figured I should start to get Charlotte's things in order. First on the list was the laundry.

"B" came in just as I was waking up and noticed that I was laying still, staring off into the closet. He aksed if I was alright. I told him that Charlotte died at 36 weeks and tomorrow Lucas will be 36 weeks. "So... you're freaking out a little bit?" was all he could say. I really didn't want him to say anymore anyway. He's not known to be very sensitive.

I eventually sat up and started folding clothes again. I told him that people are going to start forgetting her now. "Who is? Jesus?" No dumbass. He won't. He can't. Her name is punctured into the palms of His hands. "WHO? Are you?" he follows up. (You know.. sometimes I really can't tell if he's asking or provoking me).

Me. Yes, me ok? I am starting to forget! I'm starting to forget her. How she felt. How she looked. HOw she smelled. But what I am remembering is that we FREAKIN' made it to December when no one thought we would. When they told me everything was going to be ok and it wasn't! That's what I do remember!!

I remember taking a shower that morning and the Lord impressing upon my heart that she was going to go to Him that day. I remember that bitch of a nurse in the office that wouldn't get me my juice fast enough so I could get Chralotte to move some more. I remember having to call my husband who was working 60 miles away to tell him our daughter died. I remember the bumpy ambulance ride to the hospital and waiting for "B" to show up at the hospital so I wouldn't be alone...and the STUPID freaking EMT that was trying to make small talk on the way there.

Yeah, I remember.

So tomorrow is supposed to be a good day. But I keep thinking of the verse in Luke 12:20...
But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?'

What else is He going to ask me for? Lucas too?? I can't I can't give Him that. Not again. If I just stay up tonight, He can't tell me this in the morning. I know that's not how things work. But I'm just wanting Lucas to be here. Alive. Breathing. Looking at me. Even now.. he's bumping around inside me. Letting me know he's alright.

God, I'm gonna look like crap tomorrow. Deep sigh. I guess I'm off to bed. Or maybe I'll read the Word a bit. I really should get some clarity and peace.