Journal Entry: April 8, 2009

"You shall have a perfect and just weight, a perfect and just measure, that your days may be lengthened in the land which
the LORD your God is giving you..." Deut 25:15


***

***



"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave... be strong.
Let all that you do be done with love..." 1 Corinth 16:13,14




"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth and let your heart cheer you..." Eccl 11:9



I really don't know how such tiny and fragile bones can withstand so much pressure. My hugs and kisses on this child have got to be heavy. But he humors me. Allows me to brush my lips against his cheek and bury my nose into his neck. He snuggles in close and releases a sigh as if he knows. He just knows.


I didn't know how much I would marvel.
Or love.
Or cry over him. But I have.
And it feels good.


I wondered if I would ever have that feeling again. Of it feeling good to cry over the beauty of God's creation. I've spent 2 years crying over the beauty, but it didn't feel good at all. So many things have just melted away. I don't even have the words to describe what those *things* are. They're just gone though. I don't know if they'll come back someday, or if they are gone for good.

After we came home with Lucas, I found myself nuzzled up to him one evening in my "mama-bear" chair settling in to nurse him. *B* and I had already gone thru each child, parent, aunt and uncle, customarily compairing them to Lucas, he has the forehead, the dimples, the sideways smile. All attributes of someone else. But the only thing we could see that he has of Charlotte's is her hair. She had a lot of it too. But this night, I was determined to find more. Not so much to link him to us.. but to keep her linked to us.


I'd reached over to the shelf behind me and started thumbing through her book. Looking at each picture, I was secretly hoping to recognize the smallest of details, to see them in living form on Lucas. *B* was sitting across from me, I thought just watching the game, or whatever was on. My scavenger hunt was interrupted by him saying that he looked through the book the night before.

I was busted. But so was he. Funny how our pride got in the way for both of us. Neither one wanted to admit that we still miss her. But at least we are on the same page about it. We haven't forgotten.


So now I've been tossing around the idea of moving onto another blog page, just to continue my writing. This one is too familiar to me. Raw sometimes. Emotional. My electronic diary of sorts. Which is still ok, but this page is outgrowing it's original purpose and there have been plenty of growing pains along the way.

It's original purpose was to document things pertaining to Charlotte. I don't want to now clutter it up with random postings about my day to day life; that's not setting it apart for her. So I think I will revert to my old blog... "Full Circle". But this will be my safe place to come to remember Charlotte, or to write about her.


I feel like I'm folding away a blanket. Something warm and safe that I've used to wrap myself up in for security. But I know where to find it if I need it. Sitting on the shelf right where I'm leaving it.













3 comments:

  1. Sis, just wanted to say I love you....Charlotte will never be forgotten, nor will she ever have a day in my personal life that she is not thought about.....

    On another note, can my nephew be any more gorgeous? Seriously, I am in awwwe over him, he's gonna love his Auntie...hehehe (you know what that means)....Love you, your sis

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congratulations on your newest one... how precious. I am sure Charlotte will always be his guardian angel. She is probably looking down smiling and so proud of you all.

    Although Charlotte isn't here her spirit lives on. I am so glad that your sister said what she said in her post. It means so much I know... to know that others remember that no child can take the place of another and they remember her. Hugs to you, your family is beautiful.
    Heidi (SG friend)

    ReplyDelete