Journal Entry: March 5th, 2009 A Date with Destiny...

More appointments. Blah blah blah. We've hit the ground running with the non-stress tests (NSTs). They strap me up to a monitor to check heart rate and activity levels. And every other appointment we get an ultrasound to check fluid levels. hummm.... not so much "fun" but reassurance is seldom met with excitement. Usually it's met with fear and/or trepidation. It's kinda like a pass or fail test. Today's visit was no exception. BUT... when the reassurance of a beating heart was heard and seen, smiles ensued. I can't believe I'm still getting worried about this.

I was much more at ease in walking into that room today because I had just come out of my regualr appt with Dr. "T". I really appreciate how she seems to be prepared when she speaks with me. She had already talked with the Perinatologist about a plan of action so I was able to get some questions answered. The last being "NO" to the question if I wanted to have my tubes tied, should I have a C section. Let "B" go in and get snippity snipped. I ain't doing it.

She told me that they've agreed to not allow me to go past 39 weeks. And that if Little Man is still breech that we'll do a C section. A giant wall calendar was hanging directly across from the exam table I was sitting on and it practically glowed for me. Holy Smokes! That's 13 days from now!! Wah-hoo!!

She offered me the option of trying a version before then, where the docs manually try to move the baby to a head down position. Uh, no thanks. I've looked into that on my own and... Too risky, too painful.

So she then said we'll proceed with a planned cesarean but if when we get there we find (via ultrasound) that he is infact head down.. then I'll be given pitocin to induce labor so he won't have a chance to flop again. Sounds good to me.

But if I go into labor on my own.. that's ok too. I'd rather have that happen. Pitocin is like snake venom. Evil stuff. So the plan now is to sit and wait and know there is an end in sight . It's exciting to KNOW I have an eviction date set. I'm still leery about a c-section, but I'll get over it, I'm sure. If not, I'll ask for a sedative. lol.

Last week was the first NST. It came on the heels of the 37 week mark. Ugh. I was called into the same room where Charlotte had died. Strapped onto the same bed. Staring at the same monitor.

I was fine... until the nurse turned on the machine. whomp, whomp, whomp...::sigh:: there he is. Ok. then the tears came rolling. I picked up the lower half of my XXXXXXXL shirt and covered my face. The poor attending nurse had no idea what was going on. I didn't go into hysterics or anything.. but it was hard. Really hard. She asked if I was ok, I didn't want to be overly dramatic, yet I didn't want to be so passe that it may make her think it wasn't important to me. So I just said I was ok, I was emotional because my daughter was stillborn and that testing just brings up memories for me. I dried my face and held my breath until the last hanging tear fell.

On with it.

He had a good/strong rhythm and was moving around a ton. whew. 25 more minutes of it and I could leave.

Now every third day I have to go back.

So anyways, today I had noticed that *L* is more quiet than usual. Even this morning, he didn't greet me with his big rolls, turns and jabs... insted, he'd twitch and bump. But at least there was something. I kept wondering if I was being spoken to. Was the Lord gonna tell me again that my child was going home that day? Or would He not allow me to find that out until I was already strapped in? I went about my day, trying not to pay too much attention to him, trying not to jinx myself. Then a cramp came and stayed for a long while. It wouldn't release, but when it finally did, I took notice of his activity again. Still, little movements, bubbles. Not much else can describe it. But I'll take it.

My appt was late this afternoon.
Note to self: I weigh more at the end of the day. lol.

My fluid also fluctuated by one point or whatever they use to measure it. Good. The whole appointment was just so much more than I wanted to deal with today. I wanted to take a nap.
There was such a mix of emotions. There was excitement. Relief. A little anxiety. Smiles.

So now we have a date with destiny. Can't wait to meet you Little One. I love you more than you know.

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