Journal Entry: February 21, 2009 We made it to December...

Ever have one of those days where all you want to do is be alone? That's how I felt for the majority of today. It's Saturday and I was really hoping that more house work would have been done. But the whole family has been pretty lazy today.. well, with the exception of the boys. It was the first time in a long while that I let them go outside to play. So, they ran and jumpd and biked their little hearts out.

I was finnishing up with all of the prep work for the baby shower tomorrow. Making dips, cutting bread.. trying a new jello recipe. You know, big stuff. But deep down, there was a part of me that just couldn't WAIT to get to tonight to write out my heart and cry a bit, without all of the distractions of the family. And even now... I've irritated "A" with the ferocity of with which I am typing. She hates when I'm on the computer. I'm annoying her. What-ev. I wish she'd just go to bed so I could be alone.

I decided early on this morning to make today a really kick back day. I've been having contractions a lot and thought it would be a good idea for me to take it really easy and nap and eat when I wanted. So I did.

I woke up around 5pm or so and thought to myself... "We made it to December...we made it to December!!" I parked the car, briskly walked into the doctor's office, checked in, noticed a friend of mine was in the lobby and then my neighbor passed by. He mentioned how pregnancy looks good on me, asked me to let he and his wife know when things start to happen. About 20 minutes later, my world stopped spinning. That was the day Charlotte died. She was exactly 36 weeks along. Tomorrow I will yet again be 36 weeks along.

It's funny, some of the things that get me going. I've know that tomorrow is a mirror of 2 years ago. Even tonight.. I sat folding the laundry for Little Man and began putting it away. Just like I did the night before that damn doctor's appointment. But this time there was a sea of blue instead of pink around me. Last time I had just sorted out all of the pretty little clothes and divided them according to size. I had gone to the mall with Kim and when I got home I figured I should start to get Charlotte's things in order. First on the list was the laundry.

"B" came in just as I was waking up and noticed that I was laying still, staring off into the closet. He aksed if I was alright. I told him that Charlotte died at 36 weeks and tomorrow Lucas will be 36 weeks. "So... you're freaking out a little bit?" was all he could say. I really didn't want him to say anymore anyway. He's not known to be very sensitive.

I eventually sat up and started folding clothes again. I told him that people are going to start forgetting her now. "Who is? Jesus?" No dumbass. He won't. He can't. Her name is punctured into the palms of His hands. "WHO? Are you?" he follows up. (You know.. sometimes I really can't tell if he's asking or provoking me).

Me. Yes, me ok? I am starting to forget! I'm starting to forget her. How she felt. How she looked. HOw she smelled. But what I am remembering is that we FREAKIN' made it to December when no one thought we would. When they told me everything was going to be ok and it wasn't! That's what I do remember!!

I remember taking a shower that morning and the Lord impressing upon my heart that she was going to go to Him that day. I remember that bitch of a nurse in the office that wouldn't get me my juice fast enough so I could get Chralotte to move some more. I remember having to call my husband who was working 60 miles away to tell him our daughter died. I remember the bumpy ambulance ride to the hospital and waiting for "B" to show up at the hospital so I wouldn't be alone...and the STUPID freaking EMT that was trying to make small talk on the way there.

Yeah, I remember.

So tomorrow is supposed to be a good day. But I keep thinking of the verse in Luke 12:20...
But God said to him, 'Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?'

What else is He going to ask me for? Lucas too?? I can't I can't give Him that. Not again. If I just stay up tonight, He can't tell me this in the morning. I know that's not how things work. But I'm just wanting Lucas to be here. Alive. Breathing. Looking at me. Even now.. he's bumping around inside me. Letting me know he's alright.

God, I'm gonna look like crap tomorrow. Deep sigh. I guess I'm off to bed. Or maybe I'll read the Word a bit. I really should get some clarity and peace.

Journal Entry: February 11th, 2009: Forty Days and Forty Nights

I thought this could be an approproate title as that's what I've got left. *Technically* he is due in 40 days, but I seriously doubt if he'll wait that long. (But don't all pregnant women think they will delivery early for one reason or another?) Forty days as well as high amniotic fluid levels.. hum.. a deluge of torrential waters? This is the mental picture I have of when my water breaks. Partially I think this because of what it was like delivering Charlotte. Her fluid levels were less than what his are now... and there was so much water. Even my midwife joked that rain boots are gonna come in handy for this one. I'm thinking more like hip-waders. This is what I do.. try to make light of the situation, hardy har har. It's not so bad if you can still laugh at it, right?

Fact of the matter is.. I shouldn't be so darn quick to research everthing online. Cyberspace is a scarrey place to be if your not tethered to an anchor. And you better make sure your anchor is heavier than you are so you can't drag it.

My last appointment was kinda weird. Not bad, just weird.

I haven't gained any weight from weeks 31 to 34 (ok, maybe 4 ounces or so... seriously) but I began measuring bigger. Like at 37 weeks. Hmmm... the possibilities are because he was breech/transverse still so that threw things off, or there is a lot of fluid, or he is going to be really big. My anxiety kicked in when I realized that because of his position (laying sideways) there is a possibility of cord prolapse... meaning his umbilical cord could come out first and cut off oxygen and blood to him. And wouldn't ya know it.. having high fluid levels has an increased chance of this happening too. humpf! I think of it like flushing the toilet. Once the process starts, you can't really stop it. And from what I've read.. time is of the essence. Literally maybe minutes before something can go terribly wrong. I really should stop reading.

So yesterday I had an ultrasound to check things out. Good news? His head is down. For how long, I don't know. Hopefully for the duration. But there is a lot of fluid (high ranges from 19-25 and I'm at 24.92) so he could very well swish and slide around some more. But hopefully.. because his head is apparently really big (measuring at 37 weeks) it will plug things up if my water breaks and I'm not at the hospital. But I have been advised that if it does rupture I have to go in immediately. No waiting around to finish up the dishes like I did with "M", I guess. lol. What freaks me out though is how much water there was with Charlotte, and her levels were only at 19-20, if I remember correctly. She shot out like a cannon. I hope I'm at the hospital safely if this should be the case again.

There are more really scarrey things that can happen to me with the fluid being high, but I don't really want to write about them now. It makes it more real and I'm going to keep as positive as I can. I've also read ::blush:: that I peak at 34 weeks with the fluid and there is a chance of it decreasing. I am going to really try to limit my sugars and salt intake, hoping that will make a difference in my retention and release. I don't get it though.. I already have to pee every hour or so. Now.. his big head is an issue. Not that the doctors have said anything yet, but I'm thinking... it's gonna hurt! My midwife said something about having to speak to a Perinatologist. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. A planned c-section is sounding better and better. I am in no mood to risk anything ever again.

Three weeks ago I was taking a bunch of baby stuff to a buy-back store. It is really insulting to go in there, hand them your stuff and wait as they pick at it to see if it's worthy enough to re-sell. They only give you pennies on the dollar for what you bring in, but I wasn't having much luck with Craigslist and ebay and I wanted this stuff out. Well, they weren't opened yet, so I drove around for a bit. I ended up going to a 4D ultrasound business to maybe get a quick picture of the baby.

I parked the car and began to pray. I knew that the price of a package was out of my league so I was asking God to be merciful and allow me to be bold and ask for a discount. I could pay a little bit, and afterall, I didn't want a full session. Just a picture of his face. Well, when I walked in, there were 2 women at the desk. One was on the phone and the other asked how to help. I told her that I was wanting to get just a picture of his face (I must have said that like 4 times.. "just his face") but was wondering if they could accommodate my budget.

I told her how far along I was and that I don't want a dvd of him moving around, I just want to "see his face", today, while he is alive. I felt salty water filling my eyes when I realized what I was saying and that I had missed the opportunity to do this with Charlotte. The woman walked me in the back room and asked what was wrong. I felt so stupid. I have been pretty good about keeping tears in check when I talk about her, most of the time I'm fine. But other times, it creeps up on me then it's too late. They spill over. Then it's awkward for everyone.

But this woman was very compassionate. I told her that a dvd wouldn't be a good idea for me (I have a tendancy to obsess, oh... really???lol) but I *just wanted to see his face*. She ended up introducing herself to me as the Owner of the place, told me to lie down and relax.

I mentioned to her what Charlottes' problems were (T18 related) and she said her sister in law had a daughter who passed away from that. It was a serene experience to see this little baby boy up on the screen, but even though I was there for that very reason, I was so scared to look at the monitor. When she printed out a few pictures, I felt better, but to turn and look at the screen, it was almost too much. I felt this way yesterday during the ultrasound too. Just one of those things I guess. We talked about the Lord and how He is in control. It was such a blessing to be there that day.

She also said that he has a really thick cord, which is a good thing. And she said his nose isn't as big as I think it is. Yeah, we'll see. After she gave me about 6 pictures she walked me out to the lobby and gave me a little gift/diaper bag with samples and coupons in it. Then she turned to her receptionist and said "no charge". God is indeed gracious.