Journal Entry: July 1, 2008 Ash Heap

I'm sitting on a huge ash heap. It feels like it anyway. I have conquered the flames and am left sitting on top of a pile of smoldering ashes. I'm filthy dirty and my hair is cinged. But at least I am on top of the pile and not under it, right?

I'm writing this down tonight knowing there is a possibility of someone reading this that may get their feelings hurt. I am going to try to be as vague as possible about a *confession* I have to make just to try to protect another person. But I feel like I have to write it down, lest I forget the lesson.

There is a certain someone I know that is going through a situation that is largely of their own doing. Not all of it, but a large part of it. My opinion of the matter isn't as important as what my "judgements" and attitude have been about it. The fact is, I don't agree with what was allowed to transpire, I think it is wrong. But (1.) it's none of MY business and (2.) I don't know that if I were in the same situation that I would do differently. This brings me to two images I see in the mirror. Both of which leave a lump in my throat when I realize that the reflection is of me.

In this mirror, I see a few things. One of them is a judgemental spirit. The other is hypocrisy, and yet another jealousy. Very ugly words that can be used to describe my heart these days, and honestly, very hard to swallow. In one sense I want to deny these things are part of my character. But on the other hand, they are rising to the surface like a bubble about to pop.

So in this "situation", a certain someone is claiming that the sequence of events that is happening must be "from God" because they are looking to be working out in their favor. I am so tired of hearing that, it sounds so cliche. What I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is that the overall situation seems to go against the very character of God... meaning that this person is doing something that their heart wants to do and saying that it is all ok, and that God is... in fact... blessing it and all of these *good* things that are happening are evidence of His blessing.

What I'm struggling with is... how can it be from God when it looks to be so worldly? And yet, they are the given answers to their prayers, so it seems, so how then is it NOT from God? ? ? Glimpse in the mirror...
#1.) Judgement. uck.

So creeping quietly into the picture comes jealousy and guilt.

In this situation, I'm watching this person get "blessed" over and above what is appropriate. How ridiculous does that sound? Like I actually have a say in what God chooses to bless someone with... but these are biggies. Materialistic in nature, I know.. so lame, but it's hard to take my eyes off of that. Now, in fairness, this person is a *praying kinda person* and is pouring their requests out to God. Asking for His favor and seemingly getting it! Why can't I get it too?

#2.) Jealousy

Well, I am very fond of this person, so much so that I'd better not say more because someone may figure out who I'm referring to. But because of my relationship to them, guilt settles into the cracks. Outwardly I pretend to be excited, but inside it's eating me up. What's worse is I'm having a heck of a time not backbiting and gossiping about it.

They, a dozen times over, are getting their heart's desire... How can I not be happy for 'em? How can I not rejoice with 'em when their prayers are answered?? Inside, I'm rolling my eyes...

Sheesh! What kind of person am I? What a lousy excuse for a Christian I've become! My inner feelings have not been very Christlike at all. Guilt/shame are all now rolled into one. But in all reality... I guess I haven't *become* this type of Christian, this is they type of person I have always been and have yet to shed off. And because of Christ... I can.

#3.) Guilt

As I type this I keep thinking.. will grace not abound? Where sin abounds, how much more will grace abound? I have no right to dictate to the Lord who He will or will not bless. I know that.

***Now comes the REAL horror show part of this epiphany...***
I realized that through the fervent prayers of this person, they are being built up. Their confidence in praying is being built. The more they pray and *get*... the more they pray (or so it seems). They're getting their prayers answerd left and right and the answer is ALWAYS good.

And there is a part of me... in the pit of my being where it's dark and ugly... that does not want them to be blessed. What my flesh wants is for their heart to be broken... just as much as mine is >>ouch, hard realization there<<.

A bubble bursting effect, that is just as big as all of my hopes and dreams were a year and a half ago... and how small and shattered they still feel at times...that's how I want someone...especially this person... to feel. I don't want to suffer this alone anymore. I guess because of my relationship to this person I feel they need to see how I feel for a while. How would they like it to have their heart ripped out of their body and attached to the bottom of their shoe like an old piece of bubblegum? Day in and day out. It's almost disheartening at times.


I want someone else's prayers to go unanswered.
I want someone else to carry the burden for a while.
I want someone else to be broken and hurting.
I want someone else to be confused at times and not hear clearly the voice of God.


I want someone else to be told "No".



You see... how ugly is that?? I may not have made sense through any of this... but I know what I'm getting at. Now that it's out I know I need to ask for forgiveness from God, but I'm not yet ready. This person will hopefully never know of the ill feelings I have toward their situation. I know it would hurt them deeply to think that I actually want them to be left in a lurch. I can't believe I even have that in me. It's so ugly. I'm embarrassed to admit it. But I have to get over myself and get back ontop of my heap.