Journal Entry: Not much going on December 9th, 2008

Well, just thought I'd share that I'm ok. The day came and went. I teared up the first time when I opened my inbox and there was a note from my sister just letting us know she knows. I didn't have any major bawling episodes, thank goodness. Not like last year. I didn't feel like I was socked in the gut or have the shaking the heavens and the earth type of let down Just a few silent tears. Very few.

Around the hour that she was born, I soflty sang happy birthday to her, over my ol time favorite Baskin Robbins. I took A there as a treat for the both of us. The boys had a Christmas program at church then we went out to dinner with my mom. My meal was disappointing, so was the conversation when she said that A had reminded her of what the day was. I was surprised that A even acknowledged it at all, let alone spoke about it to someone else. On her Myspce she said she was sad and the header said "Happy Birthday Charlotte". Another set of tears flowed.

B didn't even remember what the day was. I was making breakfasat after church and I said "You know... today is Baby Girl's birthday". He said "huh?" Not once, but 3 times. He also said "I don't get it..." >>rolling my eyes here<<.

But instead of me making a big deal out of him forgetting I just sucked it in and continued making the French toast. He got pretty huffy and asked why there was so much tension now. I just shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't gonna fight him or try to make him feel bad. I figured ok, this is how it is now. A faded picture for some. But not to me.

So that was the 7th in a nutshell. I did have some other people call/email me to tell me they were thinking about us, but not many. That's ok. I knew this day would come.

I did receive a wonderful phone call yesterday though... my dear friend Amber called to tell me she's pregnant. I am so excited for them. One day, when I'm feeling up to it, I am going to post the whole story of our friendship. But it's heavy, and I know I'll cry. But for now... yay Amber!!

Journal Entry: December 6th, 2008 Even at 3 in the morning...

I woke up sometime around three am and haven't been able to go back to sleep yet. So I hopped on to the computer just to bore myself back to bed, but I guess Little Man had another idea. He woke up to vomit in his bed ::bleck::

So thankfully I was already wide awake and was able to tend to him without getting grumpy over lost sleep. Now we're both up.

B took the kids to a Christmas party at church last night and by the *looks* of things, the chili wasn't sitting well with Z. He's now watching tv on the couch as I hammer away at the computer.

I was sad to miss the party with my family, but last night was a good night for me. I had 5 girls come along with me to the church for an evening of fun and friendship. I was so happy that they showed up, we ended up staying out until about 10pm. (I'm going to also try to figure out how to link some other blogs to this one... it better explains why I'm so excited about it.)

While I am up, I've added a playlist of music that has particular meaning to me regarding Charlotte. It's something I've been meaning to do, but technology scares me a little and I'm not sure of what I'm doing. So tonight, er..uh.. this morning, I actually had time to fiddle around a bit. Like most people, music really ministers to my heart. The words of the song are what get me, nevermind the melody. Maybe now I can delete some of the other side bar clips and spiff up the blog a little bit. I feel like I'm rearranging the furniture in my house. I guess if it doesn't work out, I can always move things back to my usual comfort zone.

So, here's just a brief explanation of what the songs mean to me, in case anyone is interested..

  • "I am Free" by the Newsboys is probably the closest I can get to imagining what life is like for Charlotte now. She is free from pain, she is free to sing, she is free to dance before her King... and it's all for, and because of, what Jesus has done for us. Just thinking about it makes me tear up because I am so happy for her. I know, it may not seem like it in some of my posts, but I am abundantly happy for her that she is with Him. I can't begin to imagine the joy she experiences everyday, but through the words of this song, I can catch a glimpse of the exhilaration she must feel. I can practically *see* her running on the streets of gold.

  • "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me is the anthem of my heart. People who have a relationship with Christ can understand this song on so many levels. Had I not had a relationship with him, I surely would have drowned in circumstance and sorrow. Because of this, I was truly able to say "Lord, what ever brings you glory, so be it. If it requires the life of my daughter, so be it. Bring it on. Whatever will bring You the most glory."

  • "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real is the raw me sometimes. When I'm feeling like no one *gets me*, I think of this song.

  • "The Blessing" by John Waller reminds me that my purpose is greater than what is on the surface, and so is what happened with Charlotte.

So now I'm off to find something to snack on. I'm gonna look for some more cute things to add to the blog. We'll see what I come up with.

Journal Entry: December 1st, 2008- 2 years ago a heart stopped beating...

Seven Hundred Thirty days is close to One Thousand...right?
I've missed you daily.
"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere..." Psalms 84:10