Journal Entry: October 19, 2008 Kitchen Closed

I think this very well may be my last pregnancy. You'd think 5 was enough, right? But somehow, it's a sad thing. I have been very sick and the exhaustion has taken it's toll. What was so exciting in the beginning has become a scary and dark place. I've done this many times before, but now somehow I'm charting unnavigated waters. Now it's not that ominous and depressing, but my anxiety over the health of this baby has grown. I know it's in direct relation to how often I have been in (and out) of the Word. But I'm afraid to completely dive into it again.

See, the last time I fully surrendered to the Lord, with out reservation, He gave me Charlotte and we all know what happened there. Yes, there was growth. Yes there was evidence made manifest in my life and the lives of others... but it still hurt. It hurts still. So bad that I just won't do that again, no way. Not if I can help it. But I'm also painfully aware that I have to surrender. My shoulders aren't big enough to carry this burden. I need the shoulders of Christ, who carried the cross. I need the shoulders of a Saviour.

And I've come to realize that I'm afraid to tell God He can have it all. Because what if He takes it all? I know I have no control over things, it's a spiritual war I'm going through, and I am fully aware of it. But what if I openly give my everything to Him and He puts me thru the fire again??

So thinking about how much this has been messing with my mind, I decided that I'm done. Kitchen closed.

Isn't it laughable? For me to think that I can just make a decision like this?? But there are some heavy rocks I've lifted from the river and I'm not sure if I can do it anymore. Not to mention the fact that being pregnant at 33 isn't the same as being pregnant at 17 or 27 or 29 or 31. It's taking it's toll on my body.

B and I have decided to not find out if this baby is a boy or a girl. I really want the big surprise at the end, but only if it is what I wanted. You see, I really want another baby girl. Will I get it? Who knows. But my first was not relished. I was too young to take in all that a baby girl had to offer, and let's just put it out there... my daughter is not much of a girly girl. That's ok. Really. I'm ok with it; but I would like a little girl to dress up and and well, you know. But there are no guarantees.

So part of me wants to find out before hand if it's a boy because I feel like I need time to prepare my heart to welcome a little man again. I love this child already, no matter what, but there is a whole other grieving process to go through if it is indeed a boy. I don't know how long that process is, or how deep, but I have been treading into those waters just thinking about it. Kind of bracing myself. I had every intuition telling me it is a girl. Then I analyze every twitch and roll and think maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it' s a boy. The comfort I find myself clinging to is the fact that God already knew what this child is before the foundations of the earth and that He isn't waiting until the last minute to make up His mind as to what it will be. He's not balancing my good deeds against His divine plan and leveraging it with a pink blankie over a blue one. (But oh how pretty pink is!)

The up-in-your-face fact of me not having another daughter is right on the surface. My eldest and I have hit a very rough teenage patch. And my youngest is in heaven. I'm alone in a house full of testosterone. Can I whine that it's not fair??

I also wanted to mention something that has been on my heart for sometime, but I have only shared with one other person. It's kind of heavy (for me at least) and I think that's why I waited to write about it, because I wanted to *get it right* first. But in waiting to write it out, I have also forgotten some of the tender nuances...

When I first found out I was pregnant (this time) I was very happy. But for some of the wrong reasons. Crazy reasons.

I thought *for sure* I would carry twins.

Why? I don't have a family line of them. I'm not "advanced in age" enough to have this as a serious consideration.

Wanna know why? Because a man was at my home shortly after Charlotte died that told me that maybe one day the Lord would bless me with twins. He would replenish and restore. I have held onto that statement for over a year and a half, hoping and literally praying that it was a prophetic word given through this man just for me. Then my excitement grew. My son and niece and a couple of others said they thought there were two in there. Whew! Two?? Oh my heart danced! Why? Because maybe, just maybe this would be true.

As I went into my first ultrasound the doctor said there was a heartbeat. Only one. Initially I was super happy that there even was that. Then I was sad because there was only a single one. Why?

This is where it is shameful (to me).

Because I somehow thought that if there were two, it would PROVE to the world God's faithfulness. That all of the things I had gone thru with Charlotte was true and real. I wasn't hanging onto false hope or making up things in my bereaved mind.

As I finish typing this (from under my rock) I have to say that I honestly and wholeheartedly KNOW that this was a wrong and sinful way for me to think. I know that God does not need to prove anything to anyone about His faithfulness, especially when it's based on my standards. It was a hard blow to own. but it's out there. Ain't nothin' much I can say about it now. ::shrug::.

But that's where I was at for a while. and I know... that no matter what... this child will suit me perfectly. It's the best gift I never knew I wanted.

2 comments:

  1. Precious baby Curry.
    I love her/him already!
    Praise the Lord that He is never through with our hearts and that He continually calls us to trust in Him.
    You are beautiful Christine.
    Love you
    Amber

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  2. So beautiful...all so normal! I remember feeling the same things when I was pregnant again after Pearl died. Keep writing it all out...you are brave and are so precious.

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