Journal Entry: Spetember 18th, 2008 Meltdown like Pompeii

The reality is that I'm having another baby.

another. baby.

Even though right now it is only 3.5 inches long and weighs about an ounce, it's still a baby. The problem? I have no guarantee that it will be healthy. At this point I don't even consider what "normal" is, I'm just looking for alive.

I had a bit of a meltdown the other night. It was short lived and unexpected, but it was still hard. I was walking down the hall and became extremely anxious. Don't know what set me off, but I was glad to have been already walking in the direction of the bedroom where B was sleeping. I sat next to him on the bed and lowered my head and cried and cried.

He woke up, asking what the heck was wrong and I had to say it. I'm scared.

And in his *ever so tender* way of dealing with my emotions he told me to stop it.

gulp.

He is right. He told me I have absolutely no right tell God that He HAS to make this one ok, and that I need to lay it down at His feet. Every single time I get to thinking something will be bad I've gotta let it go.

I told him that is the problem. I can't assume that anything will be fine ever again. I know I have to walk in faith that things will be ok, but let's face it: God doesn't always have the same plans we do.

I'd noticed that I haven' tbeen praying daily for this child as I set out to do in the beginning. Fear gripped my heart and shut it off *just in case*. I've really tried to overcome this, but I'm finding it's a lot easier said than done.

I'm ok now. I'm only writing it down I guess to remember later that I am struggling. More than I write about I suppose. It's hard to wear the armor from day to day.