Journal Entry: July 23, 2008 Does this story have a happy ending?

I don't even know what to say.
I am so excited, nervous and scared. I found out Monday morning. Waited all day to tell B. I was so scared of his reaction. Of all the ways I could tell him, I emailed him. The irony in that is that he has been complaining to me about how much time I spend on the computer. Just recently he got a promotion from work and has been learning how to send and recieve emails. So I wrote him a note that says : How many lines do you see? and I'm wondering if you can see what I can see??

I waited for him to come home and kept urging him to check his email as he had something from his boss on there. He took his time in checking it. I finally told him to check it because we were waiting for an email from his dad. So he opens it up and reads it. Looks at the picture and shrugs his shoulders. "I don't get it" he says. Oi Vey!

So I sat there in silence, waiting for it to dawn on him. Then he lookes over at me and says "Is this from you?". Yep. So much for the hooplah. He sat back in the office chair and rubbed his forehead. After a few minutes had passed he stood up, gave me a hug and said that we are walking in the *shadow of death*. Gulp. He also said that he was 1.) excited 2.) nervous and 3.) scared. I confirmed that he is at least a *little* excited and we agreed to rest on that.

Now it's been only 2 days since I found out and I've already had my share of tears.

I have so many mixed emotions about this. I had just succumbed to the idea that maybe there were no more babies for us back in April or May. I had just witnessed my dear friend give birth last month and realized that labor is painful! I think I'm good. All done here! I started accepting the fact that I'm not getting pregnant.

Since last October, or there abouts, I had been ACTIVELY trying to get pregnant. For at least 6-8 months I was trying to no avail. I have to admit, Brian didn't really know when I ovulated or anything like that, but I did. I'd figured if he wasn't too worried about me NOT getting pregnant, they hey, why not stack the odds?? I didn't do anything devious, I just *lived my life* with my husband. There were no other explanations for not getting pregnant other than it was not God's timing. So I just assumed that we were done. Somewhere in the middle of it, I had gotten really angry and resentful. I shrugged it off and moved along.

B had even told a lot of people that we were done and he was adament about getting the 'ol snippity-snip. For a time that broke my heart. Then I felt peace that God was reminding me that B hadn't even called for an appointment for this and to relax. He had it under control. But still, I thought He was done with us. I even asked B if he was still planning on doing it... three or four days before I found out I was pregnant.

Then Monday came. I was only late by 1 day. But I just KNEW. I don't know why or how, but I did. I think I even know the exact moment. I had this thought of "Oh my gosh, you just got me pregnant!" but I didn't say anything to him. It was just a completely different feeling I had afterwards.

I expected to have a wide range of emotions about this. But I am quite surprised at the ones I've had so far.

In a way, I feel guilty.

I know that I have been blessed. I have good friends, close family, a nice home, healthy children, etc. I know a lot of people are not as fortunate as I am. That's when I start to feel bad. Like I already have *enough*. I have had so many people cover me in prayer and love on me from what had happened with Charlotte.. now people are loving on me and covering me in prayer over this baby too. I personally know of women that don't have people cheering them on when they get pregnant. Now I do. I don't know why I feel so guilty by that, but I do.

I also feel so unworthy.

I have a completely different perspective of children now. I do truly see them as gifts. Why have
I been given this gift when I don't deserve it? I have not prayed to become pregnant in (what seems like) a very long time (actually it's only been a couple of months). And now, here I am. Why is God blessing me this way? OR... is this going to be another faith tester? Gosh, I hope not! What if something is wrong. Or goes wrong? What if I miscarry? What if my health suffers? What if, what if, what if.

This sucks.

I can't even have an imaginary hallmark date. So what if I find out at 9, 12, 15 and 18 weeks that she is (oops, Freudian slip..haha) that the baby is ok. I'm still not out of the woods. Charlotte's heart stopped at 36 weeks! Oh Jesus, give me peace. I need to know that this will be ok. That I will not crack up in the meantime. what now?

1 comment:

  1. I so hope your story does have a happy ending. Yes, you do deserve it!! I also lost my fourth child to T18. I had 3 healthy boys and then baby #4 was a girl. Unfortunately, 2 days after she was born we received the diagnosis of T18 (DOB 6-6-07). One year has now passed since her birth and death (6-27-07). I have struggled greatly during this past year -- ups and downs. Some of the things in your story I can so relate to. My husband has been adament about having "snip snip" and no more babies. I had a post-partum hemorrage (sp??) 7 days after our daughter was born and I think that has him turned off to more babies. I have to admit that him not wanting any more babies just devastated me. I thought I cannot end my birthing years on the death of a child. I just can't have that as my last experience having babies. However, in March we also found out that were are expecting again. It took him a little while but I think he's doing ok dealing with it. I just knew in my heart and soul that I was having another girl. So, I didn't want to find out the sex of this baby at 20 week ultrasound. But, DH wanted to, so we did. I'm having another boy. All I want is a healthy baby more than anything. But, to be honest, I feel guilty for still wishing I was having a girl. I have struggled with this news and have gone through a valley b/c I just knew God had promised me another girl. There have been many tears since my 20 week ultrasound. I feel like I've lost my daughter all over gain. I just can't explain it. Of course, I feel so guilty for these feelings and have not shared them with anyone. My faith has brought me a long way this year. The song "Praise You in the Storm" has been kind of a theme song for me this year. But, all signs looked good on the ultrasound which is definitely a huge "praise!!" At 6 weeks ultrasound they told me that we conceived twins but one was not developing. We lost that one. So, maybe that was my girl I was so expecting. We are hoping for a happy ending. I wish on delivery day the doctor would say "it's a HEALTHY girl!" But, I'll be happy with "it's a healthy boy!" There are things I feel that I can't talk about to others around me and it's kind of frustrating. I hope my venting is okay here. I believe we will both have healthy babies! Thank you for sharing your story. Your story and honesty has touched my life. It's always nice to know that there are others out there who are on this grief journey as well. I'm just another mom trying to work through the loss of one of life's most precious gifts -- a baby.