It Just Doesn't Go Away...Journal Entry June 11, 2008

I finally did it. I made the call.
I had to. Brian just doesn't get it. He's not being mean about it, but it just doesn't seem to bother him that Charlotte still doesn't have a marker.

It makes my heart ache. It tears me up, but I don't bring it up that often to him because, well, I don't know why. I was hoping that he would take care of it because he said he wanted to. But he hasn't.

I almost feel like if he did take care of it he could really pour himself into it. Feel a stronger connection to her, like I have with this blog. I know it's not realistic, it's not his way... but somewhere in my head I think that the bigger, the more detailed, the more ornate... the more loved. How dumb is that? I know one doesn't equal the other, but I couldn't go another week without acknowledging her.

So I called the cemertry and ordered one. If Brian someday decideds to replace it, then so be it. Not a big deal to pull it up and replace it. It's only $100 to do that. But the liklihood that he will ever get it done is looking pretty slim. The man on the phone was very polite, not the Caretaker we dealt with before. Although he was nice too. But this one sounded younger. I thought that maybe if I said our name, that he would remember... he didn't.

I had to slowly spell her name. I had to ask for her middle name to be included. I yearned to ask if "baby" could be placed in it somewhere, but I didn't. I knew there wouldn't be any room. But I wanted to quietly mention that she was a baby.

I guess I got my chance to when he said that they would also place the birth and death dates at the bottom. I asked if they could only say December 2006 and he said no because there was no space for it. Big breath in...

I had to explain to him that we had conflicting dates because she was stillborn. She died December 1st but was born December 7th. Could you PLEASE just put December 2006?

"Ok, I can do that".
"Yeah, thanks." let breath out...

He says it will be placed in sometime this week. Maybe in time for Father's Day?

I hung up and cried.
And cried and cried.

Somehow, I thought it could be done without emotion. But they are still running high. Just under the surface of my skin it feels like. They just don't go away.

**edited to add picture** this marker is so damn ugly. I was so sad to see it. But at least it has her name on it. Maybe one day we'll change it. ugh.


  1. I just wanted to let you know that I've been checking in on your blog for some time now. Although I've wanted to leave a comment in the past, it never seems like I have the right words to do so. My twin sons, Josh & Jonah were born at 23 1/2 weeks GA and died 2 and 30 days after their births. It was 5 years ago. I remember when my heart felt as though it were literally breaking (I never really understood that until the boys died). I remember not being able to cry hard enough to let out all the pain.

    I remember just wanting to know that another mother's heart had been broken like mine. So, although I still don't really feel like I have the "right words", I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your grief. Tears often stream down my face as I read your journal. Thank you for sharing it and for sharing your sweet Charlotte.


  2. It makes me feel ok that the hurting doesn't go away completely. It seems the world keeps turning and I want to scream for it to stop. It is beyond my comprehension that life keeps going while my son is away from me. We were lucky to have 31 hours and lucky to have our prayers answered that our child would be born living. I pray for your family and hope that others find comfort in your story like I did.

  3. I just started reading your blog today and your entry struck home with me today. I just purchased a marker for my sons, Declan and Lucas who were born into this world on January 27, 2008. I too had hoped my husband would take care of this but for whatever reason he just couldn't make the call. I finally did just as you did and called the cemetery.

    I too had to spell out their names and ask for some "rules" to be bent so that we could get all of the information we needed on their marker. It was hard to do because they were buried together so it was a lot of information to fit on one marker.

    Anyway, on my blog, I talk about how how difficult this decision is and how we need the marker to be perfect. Please know, that I understand your pain of having to purchase this for your child. It just is not something that any parent should have to do. My thoughts are with you tonight and my heart aches for you.