Journal entry Jan 30, 2007

Well, I ran out of time the other night, but it is important that I finish writing what the water guy had said. I was taken aback at what he said. He asked me how I was doing and was VERY intently looking into my face. When I said I was fine, he asked if I was really ok. I said yes again and that's when he told me that my sister told him what happened. Oh, I thought. Well, how much did she tell him? Then he asked me what the baby was/ a boy or a girl. OOhh, so she told you. "Well, she was a girl. "

He said that he was sorry and then asked if I knew what grief turns into. What? Who is this guy? I answered "anger and bitterness". He said: "Over time, mourning turns to grief. And grief, if not dealt with, will turn to sin. Sin will start to question all that God has done and all He has said." I was floored! He addressed all that I had been dealing with the past 2-3 days!

Tears flooded my eyes. He stood there speaking such comforting words. He also said that ..."Under the old covenant, God gave people 30 days to mourn. After that time period, He declared it was enough. Time to move on. He has done what He wanted. It's time to get on with it. (My paraphrasing in that last portion.) He also said that Jesus said (well, maybe not that Jesus said, I kind of forgot) But he did say that "a seed has to die to produce fruit. That Jesus had to die & be placed into the ground to be able to reap His crop". He said Charlotte was also a seed and we need to just be watchful of the harvest the Lord will bring forth through her. He told me he has been praying (since last week, when Jenni told him at my missed appointment) & that there will be people that I don't even know that will come to me to tell me how her life has affected them.

He came full circle as to what I had been dealing with. All of it. Questioning Charlotte's real purpose, my questioning God in the midst of my pain, etc. After he left, I went to my bedroom and dropped to my knees to pray. I thanked God for sending me a messenger directly. One who spoke to my heart- in just the same way that He had been doing over the past few months. The best part was that while I was praying, I felt the "wall" come down. I had been still praying during the past few weeks, but felt as though my prayers had been bouncing off the ceiling. But it was all cleared up. All had been restored.

What really surprises me is how constant my thoughts are of her. I almost feel like I'm on the verge of forgetting her- then I SNAP back into thinking about her. I could be in the middle of a conversation with someone and it's like she's sitting right on my shoulder. No matter what, I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about her. But I've had to ask God to keep her in the proper perspective of my reality. I don't want to be consumed by her. To set her in my heart as an idol. Jesus is so much bigger than that. He deserves to be thought about much more than she.

Tonight Brian verbally said he would like another baby. I tried to contain my joy, I didn't even want him to see my smile, so I turned to the side- I felt such a relief! Not that I'm anywhere near ready, but to know that he would be ok-actually that he would WANT another baby made me smile.

I felt more confidant in that it wasn't my fault what happened to Charlotte. I know it wasn't but sometimes my head keeps whispering ...."I N F E C T E D". Is that Satanic, or what? Lord Jesus, set me free...

Maybe in 3-5 years, maybe longer. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to be scared to be with Brian or to get pregnant. It wouldn't be right to not trust in God's judgment and timing now, after all I've been lead thru. But I would like to let my body rest and heal up a bit. I've had 3 babies in 4 years. I want to strengthen my tummy. I don't want any complications with my health.

But the water guy (maybe prophetically?) said that perhaps the Lord would bless me with twins. HA! At first, my fleshy reaction was "Heck no! Two babies?" But deep down, my heart jumped. Why not? It would be exciting. I've always (secretly) wanted twins. But it doesn't run in my family. Maybe for Airenne. Anyway, it's in God's hands. Maybe we won't ever have anymore children. I don't know, only time will tell.

Another thing that I never admitted to, was that night, when I had my "breakthrough" after reading about Hanna in the book of Samuel, I DID continue to read the rest of the story. Hanna HAD to release Samuel as a child into the ministry to the Lord. At the time of writing the email, I skipped over the relevance of that because I wanted to believe that Charlotte would be whole. And she was. But she was also called to serve the Lord, the way HE wanted, WHEN He wanted. I suppose writing this now looks like I'm flip flopping, but I'm not. I'm not just looking for comfort. But I do need to address all of my feelings. And now I do feel better at least documenting this whole thing.

My comfort/joy comes in knowing my body was used as a living sacrifice as my reasonable act of service to Jesus. I hope He is pleased.

That day, I also prayed for clarity. To still my thoughts. To quell my fears, etc. He has.

He is so faithful.