Journal entery Jan 11, 2007

Writing in a journal is very therapeutic, but also wrought with anxiety. At the end of each of my "sessions" I feel I've relieved a great burden, but at the thought of my next entry, my mind scrambles to find just the right words or phrases. It shouldn't be that hard, but sometimes it is. I want to make sure I document everything just right.

So, there yet again have been a couple of instances where I knew I should write them down, but I haven't until now. Now I'm afraid I've forgotten all of the particulars that made them so meaningful.

Anyway, on Tuesday- 2 days ago- I went shopping with Kim. Eventually, the conversation turned to Charlotte and I began to express my concerns over all that has happened. I wondered out loud if I had really heard from God, or of I made a big deal over what would be "nothing". Did I hold onto what I believed God said because I wanted to believe something so bad that I essentially made it all up? The reason why I ask is because of the abrupt finality of everything. I want to know, "Did I do it right?" So, over the course of our conversation, I said how I felt ok and I wasn't sure if I was normal. Was I in denial, or was I really ok?

Of course, I can conjure up tears- mostly outside of myself, without trying to. (They just happen sometimes). And of course I miss Charlotte and am sad that she isn't with me. But overall, I feel like I'm ok. Kim said she thought it was ok for me to feel like I was ok, and it was time for me to move on (those are my words, not hers) Anyway, when I was driving home, I thought, "Humm..., 'my time to mourn is over'. Maybe I should take off the locket ." But I also I felt that maybe I should wait, like I should make sure I was ready to part with it. So I came home and got ready for Pastor to come over. >>Pastor Johnnie suggested (strongly) that Brian and I should get some counseling and that Pastor H was great at it. I figured he was right and that it would probably be a good idea.<< So, Pastor arrived before Brian got home from work. I was glad though, because I wanted to ask him some questions without anyone around. Now, I wish Brian had been there.

I laid it out and asked Pastor if he thought I had made "something out of nothing" Did I blow this whole thing up myself? Did I really think God was really doing all of these things-why to choose us, why to choose me-why this way? Or was it just a "natural" thing. His answer had me grappling for a few days. He said that (basically) yes, and no, that I made it a big deal.

No, because my faith was real and that it was an example. Even if it wasn't the way I wanted it to turn out. But yes, because the things that I thought I had heard, and from the confirmation of that thru scripture, could not be true; for MY name was not written into the Bible. That basically, I took the stories out of context. Afterall, they were literal things that happened to other people, but not to "Christine Curry" . Perhaps to make them fit into what I wanted/needed them to fit. This hurt so much because I had believed them to be true. The reason I asked was more for a "checks and balances" system to make sure I wasn't "loosing it". But pastor pretty much had said that I'd already lost it. These are my words, not his, but I think I need to speak with him again to get a more clear understanding of what he means. I don't want to end up like an alcoholic that never believes they have a problem. I want to check and balance it out.

Now, I understand the concern over spiritualizing things and taking things out of context, but I thought all my lights were green. Anyway, shortly after Charlotte died, Lori came over and brought up the story of David and the loss of his child with Bathesheba. Once David learned that his son died, he didn't freak out like they thought he would. Instead, he got up, washed his face and went to worship the Lord. It was so comforting to know that it was ok to do that. I felt like I has someone else do it, a Godly man, so it was ok for me too to feel that way. I wonder if people think I'm crazy. Poor Christine, or what? I don't know. Am I doing it right? I just felt like I wanted to do that too. Get up and get on with it. Like I needed permission for it to be done.

So yesterday, the serviceman from the water conditioning company came by. At first I thought he was a little strange. I was a little nervous to be here alone with him, but he turned out to be a really nice guy. Come to find out, my sister had told him the week prior that I lost my baby. I had accidentally missed my appointment, so she offered him that reason. At first I was upset that she opened her mouth, but I realized later that it was ok.