Journal Entry: December 7th...Happy Anniversary

Birthday vs. Anniversary. For some reason I feel like anniversary is more appropriate. More memorable sounding.

So in the aftermath of todays events, I ahve much to write. But feeling somewhat like I did a year ago, I have much to say, but the thoughts are fleeting. There is still a mess in the dining area. Cake and coffee on the tables. Everyone gone. Me, alone again staring at the computer. Pounding headache. Hum, just like last year. even tonight, I finally felt a calm, peace had washed over me. Just like I did after Charlotte was born and taken out of the room for the last time. I feel like it's over. A little relieved about it, also feeling a little guilty about .

I've noticed twice that (no, wait; three times...) a time during the day when I felt peaceful and remembered what was happening last year at the same time. Tonight it was around 11:30pm after the last person left the party. I felt strong. ready to move on. Like I could take a deep breath and let it out. Last year was the same thing. Physically, I could take a breath and let it out and feel a huge relief simply from not being pregnant any more. But mentally too, I felt a burden lifting. It is over. She is gone. I have my answer.

But tonight is different. I've never experienced the feeling of closure before, but I think that's what I'm feeling now. My very dear friend asked me tonight "Now what. What's next?" I wasn't sure what she meant at first and I think she was a little nervous to ask. ((Bless her heart)). But what she was getting at was this: How much more is there gonna be? Maybe that's why I was grieving so hard the last few days, because I know this can't go on forever. I didn't want to let go of my grief. It was my last tie to Charlotte. I've been thinking about that too... what now? I sort of want to fold everything up and put it back in the closet. Take down the pictures and let it go. I'm looking at a beautiful card I received from my sister tonight. She had a woman hand make it for me and it is so pretty. It really captures the essence of Charlotte. The last line of the card reads "Until we meet again." I think that sums it up perfectly. We WILL meet again. And for now, she is such a lucky girl.

I'm so exhausted right now. I will have to come back and update with all of the crazy antics that happenend tonight. The hospital visit, the sutures, etc. But for now, I'm off to bed.
~C

No comments:

Post a Comment