Journal Entry: Nov. 5, 2007 Just thinking

So my tests came back normal. I was really relieved. No pomp and circumstance. Just a quick note in the mail:
"Test results are normal. Good news" signed Dr. Padero.

Uh, thanks; but did you know that you told me I could have a brian tumor!? A little stressed 'round here. Hopefully now things can get back to "normal", whatever that is. I've been feeling unusually weirded out lately. Not sure why. But I don't like it. I feel like I'm alsmost back to square one, just not crying as much. Maybe it's because things are unsettled at home. I've been arguing somethin' fierce with Airenne, Brian's work is crappy, the boys are all over the place. Am I loosing it?

I posted this on a grief support website. I got responses that I wasn't expecting. I had felt so alone. But apparently, I'm not.
I'm just sitting her thinking about how much I'm on SG. I've moved to posting on the other boards, but I respond here sometimes and read eveything. It sucks to see the new girls here -all who have had a child die.I just feel like I'm not wanting to remember her. Not all the time, but I feel exhausted in the head over thinking about her. Sometimes I just want it to stop. So I fill my time with nothing, posting here and there about my other kids. Sometimes I actually feel like I WANT to forget. About her, about what happened. I want to pick up and move on with my life. Everything fell apart a little over a year ago when we found out that she was "sick". I'm just done with it. I didn't want to be in this club. I didn't want my baby to die.

My husband isn't the same. Sheesh, I'm not the same either. But we have nothing to show for what we went thru and I'm just ready to get back to the way things were. But they will never be that way again. His faith has been shaken, now he can't seem to get on solid footing with the Lord again. I haven't struggled with the "whys" or "it's not fair". Just the "this sucks".

I'm not angry at God or confused. I've grown spiritually by leaps and bounds because of this. But I'm watching DH go backwards and there is nothing I can do about it . When I think about having more children I think of the years that would be between my youngest son and a new baby. Not Charlotte in between. I've caught myself doing this twice. I feel like crap about it. She wasn't just a failed pregnancy, or an early loss. It's more than "the thought" of losing a promise. All of the what if's and never will be's.

I know a loss is a loss, in that we all suffer together, but she was a fully grown BABY. Ready to come home to a family that waited for her. That prayed for her. Now we have nothing. I guess tonight I am just pissed about it. I don't know what set me off. Sorry for the rant.

I've thought about this a lot. I feel so confused about things. Not where I stand with God, or why it happened, just that He's allowing me to sit in the pit for a while. I feel like I'm in quicksand.

If I don't move, maybe I can sneak my way out of it.

I want things to go back to the way they were before.

Then I finally opened my Bible to read a bit. I've been putting it on the back of my desk. I'd sit on the computer (more than I'd like to admit) and take my Bible out to church. That's been about it for a few weeks. So I'd had enough, and I was pointed to this:

The end of a thing is better than it's beginning; the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. Do not hasten your spirit to be angry. For anger rests in the bosom of fools. Do not say "Why were the former days better than these?" For you do not inquire wisely concerning this. Ecc. 7:8

Ok. So He's put me in my place. I guess I'll get off now and read some more. *sigh*.

1 comment:

  1. Christine, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I don't even begin to know how you are dealing with all of this. I'm glad that your test results came back okay. What a rollercoaster of emotions you had to have gone through.

    I'm sure that it's getting tough being so close to the day that you delivered Charlotte. I am praying for you. If you ever need a break, please bring the boys over...Maggie was talking about Ty this morning. Or just call, you know I would love to listen.