Journal Entry: October 27, 2007 Here we go again!

In case some of you were wondering how long my roller coaster of a life was going to sit idle...strap in and come along for the ride (again) with me PLEASE!

I need your prayers. This year has been such a trial for me I almost have no strength left to start this again. And I really hope that I don't have to...Last year was a very difficult time in my life and so many of you held my hand (sometimes literally) and lifted me up to God thru prayers.

I found out during my pregnancy that there may have been problems with the baby, and I have to say that the 5 months of waiting was the longest ever of my life. And although we looked at her normally formed body, she was still called home to Jesus. Now, I have to wait for a couple of more weeks to find out some additional results from a doctors appointment today for myself.

Let me give you a bit of background, in that, I have never had any questionable mestrual history and all of my pregnancies have been uneventful, except for this last one with Charlotte. Anyway, for the past few months, my cycles were wierd. I haven't had a period since August, and even then it was really late. Anyway, I'm not pregnant and after a bunch of bloodwork, I was sent to the Endocrinologist (today). They checked all of my hormone levels and even for diabetes and all but one came back ok. The one that came back abnormal is cause for concern because from what I thought I'd read on line, I could be going thru early menopause. I'm only 32, so of course I was worried.

But after meeting with the doc today, she told me that it could be one of two things:
1.) would be that the labs were wrong. (My reading was in the negatives and should be way higher)
2.) there could be a brain tumor. Huh? Did you say tumor... in my brain???

I have to have more blood/urine testing done and if the levels are really low again, it may indicate a tumor near or on the Pituitary. She will then order a scan to see how large and what kind of tumor it is. If it is compressing or secreting, it will have to be removed. If not, then it will be monitored. Oh, I forgot to mention, on my dad's side both his sister and his grandfather had brain tumors, which they died from. I don't know which kind or where at exactly, but it still is freaking me out.

I don't know what to think. I'm actually feeling quite queasy about this, like I wanna puke.

I've learned that nothing is too big for God to handle and He tells me to leave my worries on the cross. But here I am again, asking for your prayers. I don't even know what to ask for other than a better reading, but I turn to you guys first. I think I'm gonna take a nap. ugh.

Forever grateful,

Journal Entry: October 19th, 2007 Addictions can be a beautiful distraction

So at what point does an addict, realizing their addiction, become responsible for change? What if that person really enjoys their vice, thinks it to be harmless. recreational. A way to settle oneself down?

I've become an addict. I've got the gene tendencies for addictions already. I've got a reason to have one, something devastating has happened, and I've developed an addiction.

And although it's not to drugs or alcohol (sometimes I wish it were that easy to administer) it's still an embarrassing confession. How long have I known? Do I care? Is it something that is only affecting me?

I've turned this "thing" into a source of comfort. entertainment. joy. I get wrapped up in it's beauty of ananomity. It's charm of hope. But it is dead and it's taking me away from my family. So no, it isn't ONLY affecting me. It turns my attentions away from my children. It drives a wedge between me and my friends, it changes my attitude towards my husband. It consumes my day...for that matter, my night as well. It keeps me company. It fills in a gap.

Now I can think about what the true response to this should be. Turn to God. Cast my cares upon Him. Don't look in vanity for something to make me feel/or not feel in this world. Don't WANT to be DISTRACTED!

I realized last night of my need for distraction. It came on subtley, my desire to be distrated. I almost didn't even notice it. But then, driving home after a meeting about the teen mom thing, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I've been piling stuff ontop of myself to stay busy. Two full fledged Bible studies, the teen mom thing, the volunteering thing, the MOPS stuff. Not to mention forming my addiction in the process. Brian actually even noticed how "busy" I am. The house is a wreck, I feel lousey. I'm running out of steam. I need to let some things go.

It's really far out there, because my addiction is in direct relation to the problem of which I am trying to be distracted from, so I don't have to think about it. Almost doesn't make sense. I don't want to think about Charlotte all the time, so I am constantly busy, buit in the middle of finding things to be busy with, I (almost) obsess about Charlotte. SHE is not my addiction. She is the "problem". I couldn't believe that just 2 nights ago I had almost forgotten about her. Do you know how humiliating that is as a mother? How could I? It was only for a split second. But it hurt my heart!

I was sittingon the couch thinking about these health isssues I've been having and then I thought about how many years are between the boys. I've always said that I was pregnant 3 times in 4 years. That's a lot. But the other night, I was more thinking..well, Zach and Ty are a year and a half apart. So if we ever have another they will be more than a year and a half between them and Ty. How can that be? Wait, let me do the math...Oh crap! There was another. There was Charlotte.

This makes me feel like I've moved on. I've left her behind. Then up in my face is this health problem. I may now be pre-menopausal or infertile. Huh? I don't get it. So it snaps me right between the eyes with thinking about the children I do have. Did I or DO I want more? I asked God to take this desire out of my heart if I wasn't ever going to have another daughter. So now is He taking out of me physically? I wanted to make the decision. But I guess it's not up to me anyway. What was I thinking?

So now that it's out there, I have to make a choice. Is this worth holding onto? No. But I don't think I can let it go just yet. If I do, then I'm afraid all of the sadness and emotion will flood back over me. It's almost been like a lifeboat. I fell like I'll drown without it. Brian jokes, teases. But it is a real problem for me. I'm alone in this, I suppose. Like everything else, I have to go it alone, with out Brian. Can't even go there right now. I'd better sign off....