Journal Entry: September 16, 2007

So I wander only so far, then I'm right back to these lonely nights. Maybe what set me off tonight is having the TV on National Geographic. Tonight's episode is going over the human body during pregnancy and the first 10 years of life. It's amazing. But it makes my mind wander. Will I ever be able to do that again?

There are times when I would do anything to have that "full of life" feeling again. Then I think about it and get confused with my emotions. Brian and I were briefly talking about another baby the other night. Sometimes I'll set up the conversation, sometimes I will bluntly ask if we are ever "going to" again. This conversation was unexpected. Sometimes he'll say something that my heart hangs on and I'll think about it for days. This time we were laying in bed, playing with Coco and he says "if we ever have another baby and she's a girl, she would be the Queen, huh? What would her name be? What would we name her?" When I suggested having her middle name Christine, he laughed. The name Charlotte was the closest I'll ever get, I suppose. And as lame as it sounds, sometimes I wish that we could name another daughter Nicole. I just love that name.

Well now my desk is wet. I hate nights like tonight. Maybe I should shift the focus to what I've been doing over the past month. There is light there.

What I haven't really elaborated on this blog is what I am doing with some teen moms in this area. After Charlotte's passing, I'd decided that I would give her things to a teen who needed them. I wanted to "give back" I guess. So I made a few phone calls and found out that there is more than one or two girls in high school that are pregnant. (Boy was that a surprise!) The school district has a program in place already for these girl to finish up in high school, but no other programs available to them. Nothing concrete anyway.

So I talked to a woman about starting a mentoring program for these girls and she was all for it. So that's what I'm doing. I am going to start another blog just for that purpose, but wanted to jot it down here just for reference. I volunteer once a week and am working towards building relationships with these girls. It's great to see God's hand in this as there are many "God things" that are happening with the start of this program. Too many to write about tonight.

Anyway, that's it for now. I don't think I can handle too much more right now. Oh, but I did decide to have a "party" for lack of a better word for Charlotte's first birthday. December 7th will be the day we buy and decorate our family Christmas tree. This first year, we'll invite our family and friends to come help us decorate our Christmas tree and ask them to bring a special ornament in rememberance of her. Nothing too killjoy. Just a simple way to acknowledge this past year. In reality though, I'd much rather have to wipe pink frosting off of two chubby cheeks. *sigh*