Journal Entry: One year ago...

You know how this can be... the work up to it is always worse than what it actually is... but today has been one year. Not one year since Charlottes' death, or birth, I guess in that order... but one year since my life has been forever changed.

One year since I took the last breath of my own that has been replaced instead by God breathing in me and through me. One year since I've felt the strong- yet gentle -arms of Jesus carrying me. One year since I was drawn so close to God that I had no room to wiggle out... nor did I want to.

It's been one year since the doctors confirmed that something was wrong with my baby. A year ago yesterday I was happily pregnant, reviling in the joy of finding out I was having a baby girl. And I must say, in all honesty, it's changed for the better. I miss my baby so much, and not a day has gone by since last year that she is not on my mind. I am able to breathe again, but this time with the help of the Holy Spirit giving me the knowledge and sweetness of loving my life here on earth, but being totally willing to let it go, to be with my Savior, and my baby.

I am a better person for what I've learned. I'm a stronger person and more gentle too. I have been able to reach out to my community in a way that is God glorifying and just busy enough to keep my mind off of what isn't. The list of "firsts" is getting shorter and shorter. It's just a weird sort of day.