Journal Entry: June 21, 2007 What should I tell him?

All while Charlotte was in my belly, I tried to be honest with the kids as to what was going on. But the more information that came, the harder it was to break it down to Zach. I wanted him to know what was going on, but also wanted to protect him. TyTy really has no "visible" concept of what is still going on, but he can tell you the name of "the baby in the pictures". But really, I don't know what goes on in his little mind.

So when Charlotte died, she stayed in my belly for 6 more days. During that time, I didn't say anything to Zach. He knew that "Char-wit" had "owies" in her heart. We prayed all the time for her. But she didn't come back to us. My nieces knew what was going on, even to the point of knowing that she died. After we came home from the hospital, I was terrified that the girls would say something to Zach about dying/death/dead. We never explained it that way to Zach. All we said was that Charlotte went to be with Jesus. She is such a lucky little girl, yada yada. We made a big deal out of the positives of where she is, but not how she got there. I never said that Jesus took her because I was afraid that might scare him, that maybe he would get "taken" too.

Then one day about 3 months ago, I was talking with Zach, not remembering really what was going on at that time, and I told him that Charlotte died. I said the "D" word for the first time. He looked at me, half startled. Then I freaked (internally) and moved the subject along.

While driving around recently, I had all four kids in the car (the boys and my 2 nieces) and as we passed by a cemetery. Zach asked what that place was and Dominique replied by saying.."That's where Charlotte is at"... This has happened twice. I just kind of quickly told Nique that no, that's not the same place where Charlotte is (she's at a different cemetery than where we passed), and Zach quickly adds "Char-wit's with Jesus." Now I feel like I need to say more to him, but I have no idea what to really say. How much can a 4 year old understand of the separation of body and spirit? There is so much that I can say, how can I be gentle and not scary? I just fear that I may have made things worse in the confusion.

I was sitting at the computer yesterday, going over the pictures that Larry sent from DeVaul, the ones from the cemetery, and Zach walked up. I tried to put it off screen, but he wanted to know what I was looking at. It happened to be the one of the casket. Prior to my tweeking them and putting them on the blog, this particular picture had people in the background. I hesitated in showing it to him, but then I thought maybe I should. So I pulled it on screen, and sat quietly for a moment. Then he asked "what's that?" and I answered him "That's Charlotte."

The look in his eyes cut me so deeply. He couldn't understand where she was. He said that he didn't want her to be in that "box". "Take her out" he said. I think that scared him even more. Why was his little sister in a covered box? I tried to explain that she was waiting in there for Jesus to come back to take her body to heaven. I told him that the part of Charlotte that makes her happy and smile and love mommy and daddy and sometimes sad is the part that is with Jesus...but her bones (and I tapped his elbows and pinched his arm muscles) this is the part that is in the box. But one day, Jesus is going to come back and take her bones to heaven too. And when he does, "that's when we get to go be with Him and Charlotte. Won't that be great, we are going to go up high in the sky and be with Jesus in our castles..."

His next question was amazing to me. He asked which man in the (background) of the picture was Jesus. I was proud of him and sad for him. He knows that Jesus is a real man and is alive! But he also wanted to put a face with the person. I had to tell him that none of the men are Jesus and that He is back in heaven, waiting to come back to take us up there too. I just don't know if I should say anymore.

2 comments:

  1. What should I tell him? Tell him what you did tell him, she is with Jesus. Her soul was from Him and has returned to Him. She is really not in the "box", but living in a mansion that was prepared for her.

    He knew her before she was stiched together in your womb. Your strenght is apparent in your words, and I am sure that God will bless your future and those of others via your children.

    With just having my 6th grandson( Samuel ) being born 7 weeks early, and knowing that He always answers prayers is comforting to me.

    I pray that he will reveal his will to you in time, and that you will take comfort in his abiding love for you and your family.

    Roy Tyndall ( Pappy of Samuel and Jack )

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  2. Yes i am on a Mission trip...well i was i am now going home!

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