Journal Entry-Mothers Day 5-13-07

It's so strange that I felt like I wanted to hide tomorrow. I was almost getting sick about it. I don't want to go to church as there will be baby dedications and I don't think I can handle that just yet. More so, I don't want to have to field the "I'm so sorry" things people are bound to say. That makes me cry just as hard as when I work myself up into a frenzy by thinking about her. But in a completely weird way, I want everyone to remember; but no one to mention it.

So... comfort came to me in the most unlikely place yesterday. I'd (kind of) decided to "get better" and focus on other things, good things, when I got an email from the Trisomy 18 Foundation. >>>I thought it was funny because all while I was pregnant, I didn't receive any auto emails or anything from them, but since Charlotte has died, I've gotten at least 2. And it seems like every time I make a consorted effort to not make this the center of my being, something gets brought up about it again<<<

Until yesterday I had really tried not to look at things involving Trisomy research because I didn't want to think that Charlotte had that. I don't know what I wanted to think she had. I believed that God would/had healed her from her problems, and that, like I wrote to my dear friend, all it would do is assign a name for what was to be the cause of her death. I still think that it doesn't matter what/if she had something because God is sovereign and her time with me was exactly what it was supposed to be... for the exact length of time. But I guess I felt , that if it had a name, it was bound to be true.

So instead, I stuffed it.

That's hard to admit, REALLY hard to admit, because now it's out there. I've let my secret out. I just realized while I'm typing that I was so tightly holding onto this little piece of whatever, that I was actually choking in it. I didn't want to believe that Charlotte could have something like that because God is so wonderfully beautiful (and He is...) that he wouldn't have given that to her. That was for someone else. I wanted to spiritualize every bit of everything to have meaning and significance, to show how marvelous the Lord is.. that He does create and take away, sometimes for His good pleasure, albeit without our "approval". And I do still think that. But if, in this earthly world, there needs to be a name of what happened, I guess I would probably say Trisomy 18.

The reason why I think that was not only because of the ultrasound findings, but because after looking at all of those other babies pictures and stories, there are many similarities. Birth weight is one of them and there are a couple others. But "naming it" doesn't take away her purpose or the fingerprint that she left on so many hearts. It's just naming it. Like I've said before, it's likened to how we as humans have found out what a rainbow is. A bunch of prisims that catch light. But God says a rainbow is a promise...and I still CHOOSE to believe him.

It is such a juxtaposed position that I'm in because I really believe that God had heard my prayers and answered them, because I was terrified to have a baby that was all "messed up". I know that is completely selfish. I know how harsh it sounds. And I even now, I would rather have Charlotte here with me today with a completely disfigured body than to not have her at all. Maybe that was the blessing that I got out of it. My "token" for a job well done. I was able to see and hold and kiss her and look upon her with beauty rather than fright. I doubt now if I would have even noticed any of her disfigurements if she had them...I have the eyes of a mother.

I declined an autopsy, I declined genetic testing when the Genetic Tech called said there may be enough placenta to do a partial panel test, I declined speaking with other parents that had children with a Trisomy. Then I saw this web page. I don't even know how to say about what I felt like seeing those babies. Some had very serious malformations, some looked perfect. Just like Charlotte. I didn't know what to make of it.

I was almost angry that they did look so perfect because these were "sick" babies. Why didn't they look sick? Charlotte didn't look sick either.

So today I've been pondering some more. I keep thinking of two things in particular: 1.) "If even evil men know how to give good gifts to their children, how much more then, will God give you the Holy Spirit if you ask (my paraphrasing) and 2.) Be careful of what you attribute to as blessings from God.

I'm still working thru those thoughts, mulling them over. What I think that means (of course I get it on the surface) is that not every "good" thing is from God and that I need to be mindful of that. Just because I perceive something as "good" doesn't mean that it is a blessing from God. I'm not sure how to diagram it to make sense, but that's what I've gotten so far. Like I said, I'm still working it out. ...Ok, so it's like when a begger asks for one more drink, or high, or whatever, and they score it, then say that God blessed them with it. That's not rue. So now I need to look at: what have I done in that area?

So now, tonight, I'm actually looking forward to Mother's Day. My family has come to visit and we'll be doing brunch. But I still am avoiding church tomorrow...

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