Journal Entry: May 30, 2007

I can't get over how good I've been feeling! Physically, not so much...but mentally pretty darn good!

Today Airenne graduated from 8th grade. That was weird. Seeing all of those kids all ready to go to high school kinda freaked me out. I 've been coming to the realization that I only have 4 more years to go until she leaves for college. Maybe she'll want to go somewhere local, maybe not.

While taking pictures of her and then waiting in the auditorium for things to start, I bean scanning through the camera to the old pictures. There was one of TyTy sleeping and there was such a strong resemblance to Charlotte. I had the photo album in my purse and turned to the picture of Charlotte that looked the most like him. I showed my mom and sister and they couldn't believe the similarities. It was really cute actually. And I didn't cry! I had a proud mommy moment and didn't bubble over. I wondered though if the people sitting behind me could see the pictures. I kind of hoped that they did.

I talked with Brian the other day about the whole Trisomy 18 idea. He doesn't think Charlotte had it at all. He thinks that she did have a faulty heart and didn't get enough nutrients to sustain her. As much as the acceptance of a Trisomy calmed me, hearing that Daddy doesn't think so also made me feel 100X better. I don't know why, it really doesn't matter. I honestly started to feel like I was throwing in the towel by accepting the T18 explanation, but I was ok with it because it relieved a lot of heavy stuff from my shoulders. I've been able to breathe like I used to and I've been able to reflect on Charlotte with a smile. I'm thankful that I can do that now.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I'm going to try very hard to get out to the Teen Mom program as I long to be with those girls. I need to make a consorted effort to be there, but now the school year is almost over. Hopefully, I can connect with a few girls over the summer. I might also join up with the Weight Watcher girls at the park. I really need to get my weight under control. I mentioned to Brian tonight that it sucks because I usually lose weight when I'm pregnant and even more afterwards from nursing...but this time I've gained weight after Charlotte was born. I think I looked ok even at her funeral, but now I've added about 6 pounds to my frame. Not too bad, but I can really see it. Brian chides me and says that there's more to love, but I know now is the time to get it under control. Uck, now it's in writing. I guess I'm on the hook now...

1 comment:

  1. Charlottes Aunt JenMay 30, 2007 at 5:32 PM

    I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you and am proud of you! You write beautifully from the heart! I know the pain will always be there, but I am happy you are able to smile more and laugh alittle more. The new normal for you is adjusting and accepting what ever it is you need. Life will never be the same, this is your new "normal"....and your doing it! Can you understand what I am trying to say? I am here, anytime, day or night! Love your sister~