Journal Entry: May 26, 2007

Well today I submitted a half hearted query to a publishing company. I sent it off with a "kiss" so to speak and asked God to put His blessing over it and if it is His will that I should write more, then I would be willing. I had prayed several times prior to the submission that if God wanted me to do it, that He open the doors necessary. And this may just be a small step through one of the doors that He's opening.

So today I was helping my mom clean out her garage and my brother's friend came over. He was with his mother and she got out of the car to chat for a while. She said to me, "You know, the last time I saw you , you were pregnant. So what did you end up having...a boy or a girl?" What surprised me was my ability to talk about Charlotte with out getting all weepy about her. I told the woman that we had a baby girl but she passed away in December. It was just like I'd rehearsed so many times in my head! The look on the woman's face was sheer heartache, but more so, embarrassment.

She apologized profusely and honestly, the most awkward moment was when I had to say..."it's ok." Because it's not OKAY. It's not ok that Charlotte's not here, but I wasn't at all upset by her comment. But what else can you say to someone? I've tried to say things like..."thank you for your concern" or "well, I'm ok", or simply "thank you"... but really, what can be said? I end up feeling like I need to comfort other person. So I tried to make the mood a little lighter by letting her know that Charlotte looked just like Mathias, who was running allover the garage, except she had curly hair. Then my mom chimed in saying how fair her skin was and that she had very dark hair. It was a sweet moment that we were able to reminisce in.

So I found out something pretty interesting. A woman I am acquainted with had a son that she lost to SIDS 20 years ago. I had no idea about it, but I felt a huge desire to open up to her. I emailed her telling her that I just found this out and that I too have suffered a loss. I was careful to not compare my loss of Charlotte and her not even being alive outside of the womb to the son she looked into the eyes of for 3 1/2 months. She was unaware of our situation so I gave her the blog address so she could check it out more for herself. After later speaking with her again in person, I felt as though we were placed in the same "circle" as to glean from each other. Actually, that's not totally right. I think God placed us nearby as to allow me to see a few things. She has written a book, which she gave me a copy of and I read yesterday. And although tonight I can't remember exactly what it was, there were a couple of spots that really had the tears flowing. Not just for the sorrow of her own personal story, but for the similarities in my own. I really felt a connection that I wasn't alone in my feelings.

So I've been thinking about a new (well, not so new) story in the Bible. I was thinking about Abraham and Isaac and how he had to take him to the mountain to sacrifice him. What struck me was how it actually ended up as a story in the Bible. Can you believe that Abraham actually was going to go through with it? I mean, I know that's the crux of the lesson..that he was willing to obey God at all or any cost. But what is amazing is the fact that he had to tell people about what had happened to them on that mountain. Can you imagine what that must have been like??? He had to confess this to his friends and family that he almost killed his son. And I'm SURE there were people that thought he was crazy!

Hush, hush, in a whisper>>>"Did you hear what Abraham did with little Isaac? Well he took him to the mountain because he said 'God told him to' and just as he laid him on the alter to slice his throat, a ram showed up! Lucky Little Isaac...he must have been terrified! What kind of father would do such a thing? That crazy old Abraham"...
Abraham was undoubtedly excited at the deliverance of his son. I can almost feel the emotion a parent would have as their child had been spared from death!; so who do you think he may have told first about his encounter on the hill top? The servant he left in the valley? His wife? His neighbors? Do you think many people were able to see past the obvious in that situation and drink in the providence of God? A ram stuck in a thicket? Like it wouldn't have been noticed otherwise? I wonder if people see things that way now in everyday life in the year 2007, or are their spiritual eyes not open?

I wonder how many times that story had been told before it was written into the Bible. (And thank goodness that it was!) What do you think people would say these days? That Abraham should have CPS called on him? That he should be put on medication for his illusions of grandure? That he was just a nutball? I just wonder...

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