Journal entry: Five months already....

Before I even opened my eyes yesterday morning, I realized it has been five months. I wasn't even out of bed yet,and somehow, on the horizon of becoming conscious, I knew it had been 5 months. Maybe if I keep saying it, it won't be. But it has been. Five months.

Hard to believe because I feel somehow stuck in time, somewhere in January. But five months is a long time. I'm sure if Charlotte were with me, I would be counting down the time left of having to nurse her. I usually got bored with it around 4 or 5 months...just wanting to be "me" again. Wanting to fit back into my normal clothes and bras.

I've noticed that I'm really trying not to think about her. Weird to "think about" not thinking about something. It seems like everything else in my world has gone back to normal. It's good in a way. But kinda sucks. I wonder if people have forgotten her. I've noticed that people don't want to hear about her anymore. Or at least that's how it seems. No one has said it directly, but it's the vibe I get. So instead, I'll pour out my heart here and if people are still interested, they can look for themselves. I don't want to push us onto anyone, but we are still here. Well, I am anyways.

So generally speaking, I think I feel ok. I've had a few meltdowns in really weird ways. Not directly attributed to Charlotte, but underlying, I suppose. But they were biggies. Mostly dealing with Brian. I have never felt towards him the way that I did over the past 2 weeks. It doesn't help that sometimes he says really insensitive things to me like "aren't you happy with the 3 kids you have here?" Well of course I am. But I still have one missing. And so do you.

I was in making my bed a few days back and I just kept thinking to myself that I wouldn't care if Brian left me. Really. I felt like I wouldn't care. Go ahead, leave. Leave me alone. Take the kids. Just let me be. Then I could almost feel a tap on my shoulders telling me "No. I have blessed you with a husband and children. You will not destroy that." And really, I don't want to . I know that I love my family and have fought like hell for them, but occasionally I want to be by myself. And Brian hasn't tried to leave or said that he wants to, but I wouldn't blame him if he did.

The irony though, is that he has been so much more affectionate towards me, way more than usual. Telling me he loves me very often. I don't want to hear it sometimes. It almost feels like "too little too late". Where have you been in my hurt? Where is your hurt? I've asked him to not give up on me, even during my times of icky-ness. And when I start to feel better towards him, I'm ashamed of how I did feel because I know that we are grieving in different ways.

I am making myself get up and go, and do, and be; but that's exhausting. And when I am going and doing, I feel fine. It's when it gets still and quiet that that thoughts creep in. I found a grief support website that allows me to be me, in the moment. But I've realized that if I'm not careful, I could get sucked into all of that. I don't feel like I'm as distraught as some of the moms there, but I definitely get more support from them than from those who have never gone thru the loss of a child.

A friend of mine reminded me that this is just a part of who I am now. It doesn't have to consume me. I guess this is just a sentence in the story of Christine. I'm ready to turn the page,.

No comments:

Post a Comment