Why I finally went into the hospital

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This is a portion of a letter I sent to my friend as she had a few questions for me. I suspect the same questions are on everyones' mind, so here you go....
I went into the hospital on the leading of Brian. To make a very long story short, I have waited for years for Brian to be my leader and spiritual covering. He hasn't really been the "leader" of our relationship or things of that nature (which has been a problem for us... uh, mostly me) which has made it hard for me to be submissive. I know that I have a strong personality and Brian's lack of gumption in decision making and charging really show how impatient I can be. I like to do thinks quick। I almost always take the reins. I somewhat railroad him quite often and do things without his "approval".

Anyway, we had gotten in a pretty big argument on Wednesday and words were not held back. It was very much an attack of Satan and we almost let him win. In the end of it, I really felt that God wanted me to submit to my husband and follow him as to what he thought was best. It was hard for me because I sooo... much wanted my body to go into natural labor,but I was also ready to have someone else "take over". I have become so very weary ..all around. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. Brian was getting very scared that I would get sick and he wanted me to go in. I just wanted to be carried.

The delivery wasn't that traumatic. I had a TON of amniotic fluid that gushed out everywhere. Possibly, God allowed me to be in the hospital when that finally happened because she slid right out. LITERALLY. I weighed 200 lbs going in and came out at 180. She only weighed 4lbs 2oz. That's 16 lbs of water! It spilled over the bed and splashed up on the walls. She tumbled out of me and rolled across the bed 3 times before she stopped. No sound. The room was silent. Everyone held their breath. I begged Brian to put his mouth on her and breath into her nostrils, but he wouldn't. He felt that the Lord answered us in that moment, so I did it instead.

I wiped my face off, wiped her mouth with my fingers, and placed my mouth over her nose and mouth. I breathed into her 3-4 times, but nothing changed.And that was ok. It wasn't like I was preforming CPR, but I had to try.

She was beautiful though. Looked like Mathias. Tiny nose, curly hair. The memory I have of her is not what the pictures look like that we took. The pictures are real, but not pretty. Not what I have to keep in my heart.

Her body was formed perfectly. No clubbing, webbing or malformations. That I suppose is what God healed her of. But He still called her home. It was His perogative to do so. But it still hurts. Brian and I held and kissed her. Airenne was there the whole time and held her a lot. She was very strong. I am so proud of her.

We had a professional photographer there... well, she arrived about 3 minutes after delivery. She took pictures of everything including me breathing into Charlotte and took a casting of her tiny little feet. We should get that stuff back soon I hope. I want to show the pix at her memorial. We plan to have a private burial maybe this coming week with a celebration a day or two after that. We're working out the details and location. Brian and I really want to celebrate Charlotte in honor of Jesus then.

Whew! What a time, huh? The crying comes in waves. But I am ok so far. I thank you for your prayers. I can't make sense of much right now, other than I have been so blessed by this whole thing.

I will write more later. And thanks by the way for calling. And your last note. I didn't want to call your friend who had the baby that had T18 because I truly believe that God had healed Charlotte... Which by the way, He did.

He also sealed the deal to any future questions I might have by not allowing for testing of her for T18 or anything else. I'd asked the doctor and nurses if they were going to send out samples of her blood to be tested and they said there wasn't enough blood left in her cord and her placenta already had my blood mixed through it too much. They said if I really wanted it, they could try to draw some of her blood from her, but I don't want them poking her for anything.

It's kind of like how we (as humans) have learned how to figure out what a rainbow is. An easy explanation we can wrap our limited minds around. Just a bunch of prizms that catch light. But God tells us that a rainbow is a promise. And I choose to believe Him. The view is better from up there.

I love you and I'll keep you posted,

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