Email response: Sorry this took so long...

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From: Kathy Harrison
Subject: Sorry this took so long...

Hey there. I was listening to a CD by Everybody Duck yesterday (an obscure Christian band...but I love it!), and I started to tear up because the song reminded me of you and Charlotte. I remembered--once again--how much I needed to contact you.

My faith was really tested these last few months. I was so encouraged by your faith and wanted to follow God with the same "abandonment"...so to speak. I really, really wanted to see your little girl live. (Obviously, you did too...more than I...so it is not my goal to insult you). Anyway, I was really questioning God. I was miserable when all worked out as it did. I wish I could have made it to the memorial service, but that wasn't possible. Maybe that would have helped. I stopped reading my Bible, and although I tried to stop praying, I still found myself talking to God. But I was really hurt. I kept asking, "What's the point?!" I know that God is sovereign, so why ask us to pray? Why make us think that our prayers will move His heart if only He really knows His purposes and plans. Over and over again the question, "What's the point?!" I read the verses about God honoring the prayer of a righteous man, and I know that doesn't mean we have to be perfect because then no one would have their prayers answered. So whatever...

I wrote to my sister-in-law in Mozambique and relayed my feelings. I was feeling like if God doesn't help out his children--in a world of billions of people who don't give a rip about the true God--then again....what's the point? She is a godly woman. She wrote back with such tact and grace and yet with so much truth. I was able to get over my depression and pick up the Bible again. Our prayers and fasting are not to change God's plan but to show our submissive dependence on Him. To show Him that we are willing to suffer to keep our mind on praying instead of getting distracted by the routine-ness of life. The point of her writing went something like that.

Then I started to read Job. God spoke through that and said, "If you can create the world or destroy powerful nations or etc., etc. than I will come to you and ask your opinion on things"... (greatly paraphrased). I was silenced. The church services that followed reinforced my lowly position compared to our Fathers' and I was very sorry for my pride and unwillingness to trust Him. I think my heart was actually in the right place and my desire wasn't bad, but I think that I actually thought I could change the plans of God because I knew what was best. Ouch! That was so wrong of me. Again, I am sorry for not writing sooner but it's only been a couple of weeks that I haven't felt the pain of this situation still residing within. I'm sure the holidays were somewhat rough for you guys as well. I hope that you are feeling comfort in all sorts of ways. Here's a virtual hug from me. Just so you know, I am still so inspired by your walk with God. And through all this, I hope that at least one person will come to know Him.

As for me, I'm going to learn to be a little more still. A little more patient. I too quickly think I hear God directing me, when too often it must be my own fabrication. I've been reading Proverbs lately and reflecting on verses that talk about wisdom and understanding. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." In Proverbs it talks about to fear the Lord is to hate evil and then it lists out things God hates. I've tried to review that list so that I can pray that I hate the things God hates. Hence wisdom will begin. And continuing to read my Bible will give me knowledge of the Holy One. Then I can understand things better. Honestly, I've only been reading my Bible a lot for the last 4 or 5 years. It has made a difference in me and I'm glad for it. It's harder to sin when I'm continually aware of God's standard. It's inspiring to see past saints risking so much for the Lord (and they didn't even have the wrapped up, clean and Cananized version of the new testament!). Anyway, I have to get going. Hope your day is as sunny as mine and I hope your heart is filled with joy today and tomorrow....

Love,
Kathy

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