Washing the windows...

I have to say that the out-pouring of prayers and support is very touching and most sincerely appreciated. Again I have felt myself being carried to the high place because of the intercession of others.

I feel much better today, and thankfully this last "episode" only
lasted a day or so of not feeling so great, I'm almost up to where I
was a few days ago, with much excitement and anticipation over what
will happen next. I am truly in a privileged position to see God's
hand working literally in me and through me, but I can help but feel
itty-bitty in the whole scheme of things.

I'm compelled to write another lengthy note describing my journey,
but I fist have to mention that I spoke with the Genetics Counselor
today and she said that they want to see me again for what is now
a "routine" ultrasound. I mentioned to her that I have a letter for
my file in Sacramento about not wanting to know more discouraging
things. At the end of that she said then there may not be need for
me to come in again until much closer to my due date. I was really
relieved as I didn't want to go again and wonder what was being
seen, even though I said I didn't want to know. I'm a big kid that
way... can't keep my nose out of things.

Anyway, she suggested that I email her the letter today so she can
give it to my Doctor (maybe to add weight to my plea for no more
information?) I was so pleased when she replied back to my email
wondering if I wanted her to put it online, for all providers to
see, as the Sacramento Kaiser has gone techn-o with no more paper
charts. I couldn't have replied faster…YES!! I want everyone to see
in whom I trust! This has encouraged me so much today, I feel
butterflies.

But onto another key point I feel I must tell you. Very few people
have heard me tell this story, but believe me, I knew from day one I
was in for something...What I am going to explain is mostly for
those who are reading that may not see my heart for what it has
become. There are those that knew me "before" and may think that I'm
in denial or not dealing with things realistically, but rest
assured, I have never been more wide-eyed! And even in the midst of
my despair, I have not, and will not blame God or get angry with
Him for this situation. I know in my heart of hearts that whatever
happens, His will is better than what I could ever want and it will
ultimately bring Him glory. Even if I don't understand it.

Here we go…The month before I found out I was pregnant, I thought I
was. I went so far as to purchase a pregnancy test, but on the way
home from the store, I realized I wasn't pregnant at all. I was so
relieved! Dodged that bullet, so to speak. I wasn't ready for
another baby, Mathias wasn't even 2 and how could we provide for
another person... we were just getting on our feet. We have big
plans... Yeah right!

So about 2 weeks later, as I was literally on my knees (washing the
living room windows) I was humming the song "I Surrender All" and
God asked me why I boast in how much I trust Him, but not with
everything. Was I surprised! What do you mean? Of course I do. "Then
why are you so relieved to not be carrying My child? I've told you
that they are a blessing, but you see them as a burden. I told you
that I would supply your needs, but you won't trust Me to do it."
Boy was I convicted. This whole "conversation" took a while for me
to absorb, but I (since being on my knees already) raised my hands
and said I was sorry. I started singing even louder and told God, "I
surrender! USE ME! In what ever way, USE ME. I am so sorry for my
sin of mistrust, if you want me to have another child, I'll do it.
Whatever you want from me, I'll do it." Two weeks later, I found out
I was pregnant. Okay, Lord. Very funny.

In the "hum-drum" of being a stay at home mom, I've realized that I
need to be "here" in this phase of my life. If not, I would be
distracted by work or other pressures of life, but instead I've
come to know so many fundamental truths while washing windows and
dishes. Who woulda thought.

So now this stuff crops up and what am I supposed to do? Trust in
Him, that's what. When Brian and I left the doctor after the very
first ultrasound, all over me I felt "TRUST ME, TRUST ME". I didn't
get it until today why. As I was washing dishes I thought Wow! If I
would have gone ahead with the amnio, I would still have kept the
baby but really had no "hope". I would know the results and my
prayers would have possibly not been as fervent as they are now.
Sure I would have still prayed for mercy and comfort, but I would
not be in EXPECTATION of God doing amazing things. I would have
settled for what the doctors have said. Clearly this points to
Romans 8:24-25..."but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does
one hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we
eagerly wait for it with perseverance." What a promise. That's why
it just didn't feel right to do the test. Thank you Lord, for
keeping me close enough to hear your whisper.

For those who my think that I am bi-polar, having grandiose
thoughts from one extreme to another... I'm not. I just have decided
that I am not going to let the king of liars steal my joy any
longer. Sure, I am still scared in my flesh, as I do not know what
the will of God is, but I do know that we are supposed to live in
expectation of His glory and always by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving and without doubt, let Him know our desires and He will
move mountains!

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Sometimes I think I
should get a paper journal to keep them privately, but so many of
you respond back to me and it really is comforting. I know I'm not
alone.


Christine


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