Some of you reading this email may have been waiting for a response
from my lips, and I thank you for your patience and your continued
prayers. Others may not have any idea as of yet what has been
happening since Friday, December 1st.
I will start by saying that I have been asked by the doctors at
Kaiser to have twice a week monitoring over the growth of Charlotte
with my first session being last Wednesday (November 29).
Meanwhile, since the good ultrasound, I had been feeling more and
more anxious instead of relaxed. Spiritually, I felt as if this
couldn't be over so quickly, like it almost hadn't happened. And as
weird as it may sound, I wasn't fully persuaded that it was over. I
chalked it up to the Enemy just trying to confuse me with doubt
over what great things God had shown me.
Internally, it wore me down in other areas such as my attitude towards Brian and the kids. I had
really left the back door open for the flaming arrows to hit me.
I was happy that my care could remain in here rather than having
to travel to Sacramento just yet. All seemed to be fine at that
appointment; fluid levels were within range and baby's activity was
good. My last glowing ultrasound showed everything was headed in the
right direction for the baby. I was asked to go to see the
Cardiologist in Stockton however, on Thursday(the 30th) for what I hoped would
be a simple ultrasound for Charlotte's heart.
Honestly, I was scared to go because I was afraid of what they were looking for, but I'd
hoped that I would finally get resolution from the doctors about
what they saw from that good ultrasound, feeling that they would just
want to check for themselves that indeed Charlotte was healed! So, I
reluctantly went to see the Cardiologist, and to my surprise the
appointment was canceled due to an emergency the doctor had. After
all, the Cardiologist had already told me that the baby would be
fine in utero as it is my body doing all of the work for her and to
just bring her in after she was born. This was said a few weeks ago.
So, Thursday came and went without a hitch. I even went shopping for
Christmas gifts, figuring I may be too big to try to go out in a few
weeks. My second observation appointment was scheduled for Friday (the 1st) at
11am, but as I was showering, I noticed that Charlotte had been
quite. I then heard/felt/sensed that I wasn't going to see her heart
beat today. I dismissed that notion and continued to get ready.
When I got to my appointment, the nurse attempted to locate Charlotte's
heartbeat but couldn't get an accurate reading. A couple of times we
heard it, than it would get lost. I asked her if Charlotte was gone
and she kept assuring me she was still here and it would just be a
minute to get it. I watched the numbers on the monitor hit at about
160-163 (Charlottes' average on Wednesday was in the 150's) then it
would fade away. So the nurse wheeled over the sonogram machine and
began to look with her eyes. I immediately noticed that Charlotte
wasn't moving, not even to re-adjust herself to get comfortable as I
would move. My heart was racing, but the nurse pointed out that her
heart was "right there" and that the beats looked like little lips
Well, I had seen enough of Charlottes' heart sonograms to
know it wasn't beating how it should have been. The nurse stepped out of the room for a minute and while she was away I sat watching the monitor. There was a slow
BLIP...Blip........blip and that was it.
Jesus, in His mercy, had allowed me to see her heartbeat fade into His hands. The nurse returned and I again asked if Charlotte was gone. She went to get a doctor.
Long story short, the doctor came in and via ultrasound confirmed that there wasn't a heart
beating. She checked my cervix and noted that I was dilated to 1
(maybe) and in "active labor" (no I wasn't, I thought. I could sit
at 1 for three weeks. I did with all the other kids. But whatever.)
They called for an ambulance and I called Brian at work and told him
that we lost her and that he needed to come home. After that, I made
a series of short phone calls, most of which I don't even remember.
I didn't cry until I spoke with Brian again, knowing that he had a
long lonely drive back home. The nurse was careful to give me
privacy, so in that time I raised my hands to thank Jesus for
allowing me to see her fade back to Him. I asked Him to hold her
close in a special place until I could see her again. Then the EMTs
arrived and off I went to the hospital.
Once I arrived, the nurse that approached me said how sorry she was
and that she would do whatever she could to make me more
comfortable. Apparently, that didn't include my rooming situation
because they placed my in the office space where the only printer
for the department was kept! Kind of amusing, but a little annoying
when I wanted solace.
Anyway, on the way to the hospital I was overwhelmed with the sense
that God is not finished yet. He was again whispering that I needed
to wait, not to do anything, just wait. I really had no idea what that meant, but I felt peaceful.
So when I saw the nurse again I realized that I wasn't done yet either. I had to tell her what God
had whispered to me. With that, she asked if I truly BELIEVE that
and I said yes! She then asked what religion I was and when I said
Christian, she opened up in powerful prayer. She told me that she
too is a Believer and that we do not have to rely on what we see on
the monitors or what the tests say. We can stand together in faith
that our God is greater than that and that He will do what He sees
fit. He is capable of doing more than I could ever imagine.
I almost passed out! I was so overjoyed and relieved that she was
there for me as I have been praying for WEEKS that God would have
His people surrounding me in every aspect. Again, I prayed and
thanked Him for that answer. She then told me that I do not have to
stay at the hospital (and that she could probably get in trouble for
telling me that, but she didn't care, just to expect resistance from
the doctors). But I do have the freedom to go home to my family and
spend time with God. So that's what I've done. I'm now at home.
Waiting on the Lord.
The doctor that came in to discharge me was unexpectedly pleasant
and let me go without a confrontation (another direct answer to
prayer). I told her that I was more comfortable in going home and
being with the Lord and my family in waiting for Him to bring forth
Charlotte in His due time.
As you know, I have been trying to stand on the promises that God
has given to me. I truly believe them, and believe that they are
from God. But I know that whatever His will is, it is good and
perfect. I am not afraid of what I do not know right now, afraid to
let go or to hold on. I don't doubt that God is not finished. He is
still working, just as He said He was. I trust Him completely.
There of course are concerns about my health, which I ask for
prayers. The doctor asked if I would contact her on Monday to let
her know how I was doing, but that was it. Kinda surprised me that I
was free to go, but they gave me a list of things to look for such
as bleeding, fever, etc. which I've had none. I've sort of
cocooned myself with Brian and the kids in our home, which has been
very comforting. I've not answered the phones much, but did go to
services this morning. It felt good to be surrounded by my other
brothers and sisters in Christ.
I know that it is a weird situation to watch someone to go through, but please don't be afraid to talk
to me. I am ok and of sound mind. I'm more than willing to answer
questions as I know there are many. But at this time I am keeping to
my family, but wanted to write (once again) to let you know I am ok.
Brian is holding up well, which I am also thankful for. He has taken
on the task of watching the boys without me having to ask and
Airenne has helped tremendously with the housework. Zachariah asked
if I was all done crying and if Charlottes' heart was
still "blood". I have decided that I am not going to tell him too
much as he doesn't understand and it's too big for his little
shoulders to carry anyway.
We have prayed together much and with great expectation. It only takes one breath of God to bring her back to us. And that's what we are asking for.
I know that some people may be very concerned with my decision to
wait at home and to not have expelled Charlotte on Friday. But I
would be remiss to ignore the voice that has been my comfort these
past few months which is the same one that has told me over and over
again to "be not afraid, only believe". I have become weary at
times, but Jesus is faithful to complete the good work which He has
I thank all of you for carrying us at times and hope to share more news with you within the next few days.
In His Everlasting Arms,
Christine & Family