Beginning of journal entries Dec 17th

I don't even know what to say tonight. It's Sunday, December 17th. The family is sleeping and I've found myself sitting up alone again going through paperwork and cards. Over the past few days, I've begun to cringe when the mail comes. With Christmas only 8 days away, we've been getting both Christmas and sympathy cards. The envelopes are pretty generic, so I never know what to expect.

Brian and I went to our friends' Holiday Open House this evening. It was refreshing to get out and be among other brothers and sisters, but also hard. Especially when a Pastor and his wife asked how many children we have. I told them that we just lost a baby, but we have three other children. They seemed to know who we were because of the emails. They had pity on their faces, and by the time we left, I wondered if I shouldn't have mentioned Charlotte. I was afraid that I was going to make other people feel uncomfortable, but I couldn't deny her. She was too beautiful.

I miss her so much. Which is strange to say, because I never really got to know her. But she looked like Mathias, and probably would have been just as sweet. There are so many details that I'd like to write down so I don't forget them in the days following December 7, 2006. But for tonight, I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow I'll spend some time. I love you Charlotte.

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